If You Leave, Who Will I Be?

“Codependency” is a commonly used term when discussing mental health and relationships. You’ve probably heard it – and likely even used it – before, but what does it actually mean? What are its implications?

Mental Health America defines codependency as “...an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”

Codependency can show up in any sort of relationship: Friendships, romances, familial relationships, etc. It’s not a diagnosable disorder, but it can be a symptom of a larger issue that’s derived from childhood trauma. Children who are abandoned and deprived of validation often develop into codependent adults. This is because their relational perspective is built upon anxiety, distrust, and low self-esteem.

What does codependency look like?

As with most behaviors, it manifests differently depending on the person. Some of the most common signs are:

• Inability to set boundaries with others

• Hyperfixating on mistakes

• Feeling compelled to “fix” everything

• Having a need for control over other people

• Always needing to be in a relationship

• Avoidance of honest communication

• Denial of own thoughts, feelings, and needs

I’ve heard a codependent relationship likened to buying a clearly run-down car (not that human beings are comparable to cars, but it helps to visualize). A codependent person is likely to purchase a car very quickly, even being aware of its motor issues, because it will fill a need, i.e. independence, travel, and freedom.

When they first start driving the car, they’ll laugh at the signs of a failing engine and chalk it up to the car’s quirky personality – “It’s an old car, it does that.” And they can live with the little flaws at first.

But when the car breaks down in the middle of a busy interstate on your way to work, they erupt into a panic. “How could this happen? Where were the signs my car was breaking down?” They take the car to a shop and get it fixed and everything is okay for a while, but it breaks down again a few weeks later. Despite that, they routinely try to fix the car instead of accepting it’s not going to work.

“I picked this car, so I’m responsible for it. I need this car, or else I can't drive to work and I'll lose my job.”

Codependency will appear, and even feel, like love to the people experiencing it. But what it actually creates is a toxic cycle that’s difficult to break out of; and eventually, it’ll wear everyone down.

My personal codependence journey

I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t know codependency like the back of my hand.

Because of my childhood experiences, I have always equated my own self-worth with what other people thought of me. I needed to take care of everyone and everything, I needed to be what everyone wanted me to be, I needed love and attention wherever I could get it. And up until recently, I thought these tendencies were just symptoms of being a resident “good person.”

It’s good to be nice and care about others. But that is very different from the “I will compromise my own well-being and happiness so that you will be content with me” mindset I’ve been in for 24 years.

Also – being codependent can make you a toxic person.

I know that’s not a useful thing to say to people who may be struggling with concurrent symptoms like anxiety and poor self-image, but hear me out. It’s important to be aware of this.

Per a therapist’s suggestion, I started a journal that documented my cycle of codependent thoughts. When I wrote down the thoughts, I also had to unpack the root of that thought. One entry went something like this:

Codependent thought: I feel worthless when someone doesn’t give me validation and love after I give them validation and love.

Seems innocuous enough.

Root of thought: I think others are responsible for regulating my emotions and sense of self-worth.

Less innocuous.

After diagnosing the root of that thought, a lightbulb blinked on in one fluid click. I’m projecting harmful and unrealistic expectations onto others because that’s all I experienced as a kid. I’ve been functioning under a very harmful logic: If I’m fully responsible for others, they must also be fully responsible for me.

Let’s fact-check this logic… You are not responsible for carrying the burden of other people’s emotions, actions, and experiences. Nor is anyone responsible for carrying your burdens.

Healthy relationships acknowledge full individual sovereignty. “You’re over there, I’m over here. We both exist and we are separate. But I love and care about you, so I will provide support, compassion, and understanding in a way that honors us both.”

I sat in a stupor after this journaling session. My concept of love and relationships was conducive to mutual destruction. Not only does codependency hurt me, but it also hurts the people I care about. My rigid expectations of myself also inadvertently applied to my friends, my romantic interests, my coworkers – everyone I had a relationship with.

Then I started pondering the way forward.

Question: What’s worse than a shortcoming I’m aware of?

Answer: A shortcoming you ignore.

You know what they say… The first step to healing is admitting you have a problem. And I’d like to clarify; This is not me greenlighting self-scrutiny and encouraging you to see yourself as a villain if you struggle with codependency.

I’ll always affirm that humans are flawed and messy and constantly struggling. Having toxic traits is normal and sometimes necessary for our survival at a given point in time. Beating ourselves up is entirely counterproductive.

As I explore human psychology, I become a bigger and bigger fan of something [frankly terrifying] known as radical self-awareness. This is NOT the same thing as obsessive scrutiny and agonization over your perceived flaws – chronic people pleasers, I’m looking at you.

Radical self-awareness is a compassionate approach to the things about yourself that are harmful to others. If 20-year-old me had those realizations about codependency that I experienced a few days ago, she would jump to the conclusion that she’s an irredeemable, certifiable “bad person.”

With my current perspective, I’m able to reflect in a constructive way. Why do I feel like others need to take responsibility for me? Maybe because those were the behaviors modeled to me while I was growing up. I was doing what I could with the information I was given. My brain just wanted me to feel protected and taken care of.

I started having inward conversations about my harmful behaviors and habits. “I know you formed as a way to protect me, but I’ve outgrown you.” This has been an invaluable tool in healing my codependent tendencies.

A rambly conclusion

Codependence has been on my mind a lot this week. I’m able to see how it has affected not only my life and perception of love, but also the well-being of the people around me.

At the risk of sounding Joker-esque, I think society makes it very easy to feed into codependent tendencies. Romantic relationships are pedestalized and portrayed as a cure-all for low self-esteem and loneliness. People will often enter relationships to fulfill a need rather than assess it as an opportunity for mutual growth, respect, and intimacy. Those people will then become reliant on the relationship and build their whole sense of worth around what should be a small fraction of their identity.

One colloquialism I’d like to refute in the spirit of this article: They are not your “other half.” You are a whole and worthy person on your own.

Point being... Codependence is heavily romanticized, which makes it harder to heal from. Many of us are wired to think that self-sacrifice, pain, and toxicity are the ultimate signs of connection and chemistry. Codependence also gives us a sense of purpose and control. Those are two things codependent people significantly lacked in their childhoods.

If you struggle with codependency, my message to you is this: I understand how safe your codependent tendencies may feel. They exist as a way to help you cope with something deeply traumatic, and that is okay.

When you feel ready, start to explore those things about yourself on a deeper level. Are you actually fulfilled, or just distracted by cycles of short-term validation? Do your relationships empower you to grow towards your own needs, wants, and desires? Compromise is healthy; self-betrayal is not.

You are perfectly worthy of love and respect as yourself. No matter how much we want (or expect) them to, other people can’t dictate the truths of our intrinsic value.